My Experience With Internet Dating Sites

I've always been pretty against online dating. I'd had an "internet boyfriend," when I was thirteen but I found out he'd been lying to me about his name and age. He was also soliciting my other underage friend and implying to both of us that he wanted to have anal sex with us. My friend and I are still hoping to see him on To Catch A Predator and have Chris Hansen read off the chat transcripts: "I want to blank you in the blank until my blank erupts with blank."

However, when I moved to smalltown, IL, my views were changed due to lack of close friends and crushing loneliness. My sister suggested I check out okcupid.com to try and find some friends, mostly because she didn't want to deal with me being in the house all the time. So, I filled out the profile and answered hundreds upon hundreds of questions to try and get my possible match score up.

The first guy I started talking to was named Tim. Tim seemed rather simple but nice. He had a kid but I was trying to keep an open mind since everyone in smalltown has a baby. We arranged to meet up. My sister made sure she got all of his information and that he picked me up far enough away from our house so he didn't know where we lived. I was standing in a parking lot near a billboard, surely looking like a hooker because I'd decided to dress up for this meeting. A rusty old SUV with a plastic wrap window pulled up and Tim asked if I was Caitlin and I said yeah. I got in the backseat and noticed that there was a different guy driving. I was a little more scared because there was more of a possibility of being overpowered and raped with two of them about. They took me to Tim's grandma's house and that's when I noticed Tim's front teeth. All of his front teeth were either rotted or missing. He said it was because his baby's mother hit him with a toolbox. Things weren't looking up for Tim from then on. We talked about video games a little and he said that he liked Vampire Hunter D but then the conversation turned entirely uncomfortable. He started talking about how he had been chatting with this stripper from another dating site. But not a dumb stripper! Oh no, a very intelligent stripper who know the meaning of antidisestablishmentarianism, because no nine year old with a dictionary knows that word. Then his buddy and he started telling me how they had both banged Tim's baby's mother at the same time the night she got pregnant and they didn't know which one was the father because of this. Needless to say, I made up some lame excuse to go home after they told me that. Every now and then Tim comes in to County Market with his baby's mother and purchases items on WIC. He doesn't recognize me and last time he argued with me when his items went over the dollar amount on the WIC slip because he'd "bought the same stuff last time on it." Obviously, prices never change and things never go on sale.

The second guy I met was Jacob and I'd met him before when I was seventeen. Neither of us really remembered each other but we had the same friends. I found out that he was into LARPing. He said it wasn't LARPing, it was special exorcise. I actually became very close with Jacob because he was the least weird guy I'd met in a while. We had similar politics and liked similar things. As things wore on though, I found him to be very very boring and was just using him to have some semblance of company. I knew it was time to lose Jacob when he told me how hairy my arms were and that I should shave them. I'm fairly confident that I broke his heart but come on, my arms are nowhere near hairy.

The third okcupid.com was named Seth similarly had chauffeurs but one of them was a girl so I felt a little more comfortable. I found out he had lost his license because of some DUIs. I wasn't fond of this part of him but he shared his weed and we watched some It's Always Sunny before going to see The Lovely Bones, which was amazing when high. I liked Seth because he never tried anything with me and was nearly always high and therefore nice when we hung out. He didn't seem like the kind of guy that I'd date though so I kept him in the friend zone. He went to jail a couple of weeks after we last hung out so I haven't really seen him since last summer.

This is Andrew Paxton. Note his creepy thinness

After Seth came Andrew Paxton. That's right, I'm giving you his full name. And here, here's a picture. He lives in Prophetstown, IL. This boy took the cake for creepiness. We had been talking on the phone for weeks and we finally decided to hang out by going to my sister's boyfriend's show in a nearby town. He was very, very small. I had probably about 50 pounds on him and a few inches. My sister deemed it all right for me to go to a party with him alone because I could probably take him if he tried anything. We got drunk with all of his friends and it was a lot of fun. I started dancing with this girl at the end of the night and was quickly led away from the party by Paxton. We got in the car and he yelled at me for dancing with her because she was "the slut of the town," and probably had herpes. I explained that I was just having fun and meant nothing by it but he continued to argue with me. I just let it go. I thought he was driving me home at that point but we went to his house which was in the middle of nowhere. He made me pizza but in my incredibly drunk state, I dropped it on myself and he had to get me a wet rag. It was then that I realized I should probably make it clear that he wasn't getting any which in drunk speak translates to "I didn't shave today because I didn't think I was going to do anything." The details get hazy after this but unfortunately I remember kissing him.


The next day, Paxton continued his argument with me about the slut girl. I kept defending myself that I didn't know anything about her and was just having fun. He yelled at me for getting so drunk with all of his "friends," who he then told me all did crack. At that point I was angry at him for taking me to a crack den in Prophetstown, IL. I told him never to contact me again at which point he got really sad and told me he'd "developed deep feelings for me," which I rebutted "You've only known me for a week!"

We stopped talking for a while but at some point he'd enrolled at Sauk. I decided it would be find to talk to him while there since he was a funny guy and liked a lot of the same things as me. It was fairly soon after that he'd been stalking me secretly online under the alias "MikeF83." Even the year in that name is wrong. He'd secretly been reading all of the tweets between me and the little Englishman for months. I blocked him on every internet site I knew he watched me on and avoided him at school. He soon dropped out, proving he'd only been going so he could see me.


I recently found out that Paxton dated one of my friends after stalking me. He'd told her that I puked pizza all over myself that night after they'd seen me at County Market (yay, he knows where I work!). I guess he's not a virgin anymore but he still did the pathetic thing of telling my friend he had "deep feelings for her," after only a month. I also found out that he apparently had pulled a gun on his mom when he was in high school. I now lock all my windows and doors at night